Question: Hello Sayadaw, I’m a government officer. My job took me many years of hard-working and not having enough time for my son, my family. My marriage also went bad, my husband has an affair with another woman. But I don’t dare to divorce him. I come here to pay homage to Sayadaw and ask for advice or encouragement to change my life, thank you a lot!
In fact, we don’t need to work so long for money. We should not waste time only for the jo. This is the right view. If we don’t understand and continue the job for many years, that will be problems and side effects for sure. With your marriage, you are not free to make a decision by yourself but with your job you are free, so you must stop or change. If you cannot, this problem will continue. Besides, now you have a chance to do good deeds by keeping precepts such as not killing, not stealing, not sexual misconduct, not telling lies, not using drugs and alcohols. You must protect yourself. Because of breaking precepts in the past, we have to suffer now, so also your husband may suffer in the future. Now this is your time to suffer because of breaking precepts; there will be the same for your husband., no one can escape. If you understand like this, you don’t need to blame on him. You just need to pay back for what you have done before. Nothing is permanent. If there is the beginning, there will also be the end. It started at its time, there will be the ending time of this experience. We just need to be patient and do good deeds by keeping precepts and purifying your mind at every present moment. That is the best you can do. If you are able to do like this, your problem can be solved naturally for sure. You and your husband are together because you are similar. Now you need to make different from him and from others by doing good deeds and keeping precepts seriously; try to purify your mind by practicing meditation. The more you are able to do good deeds, the more you can be far away from your husband for sure. You should try to change yourself, you cannot change your husband and he will change by himself.
That is not strange. Breaking precept is common in the society because they don’t emphasize keeping precepts. Therefore, it is very to break precepts in society. That’s why there are also many problems in the society. But if we understand like this, it is easy to solve, so no need to worry, just need to practice: do what is good, keep precepts and practice meditation by yourself or at the meditation center. If you are doing actually, you will understand. But most of the meditators are not much serious in meditation. They may work seriously. They may learn the school lessons seriously but most of them may not do good deeds seriously. That’s why they cannot practice seriously because they don’t understand clearly. Most of the people in the society are thinking about doing good deeds: “What to do?”; “How to do?”; “When to do?”; “Where to do?”. They are just thinking, not doing. In fact, instead of thinking, we should start doing it. By helping and volunteering others we can learn about doing good deeds. By sharing what we have, we can learn about the cause and effect of sharing or giving. By not killing, not stealing, not telling lies, by not doing sexual misconduct, by not using drugs and alcohol; we can learn about precepts by ourselves. If we are doing good deeds together like this, we can learn from the others also. It is easier to understand. Many people here are doing good deeds, keeping precepts, purifying the mind by practice not by thinking, not by reading, just by practice; it is effective. To purify the mind we need to keep a stable mind to know about it. If the mind we are using not stable, it is difficult to know what is happening inside at the present moment. To keep the stable mind we need to reduce and stop our physical, verbal, and mental actions. Because of continuous doing, speaking, thinking; the mind becomes be unstable and impure. Therefore, stop thinking about how to meditate, how to solve the problems, how to stop the job; just to do good deeds more and more. Try to stay at a meditation center to detach from the house, the family. By staying in the center, we can learn how to detach from society; because people who are staying in the meditation center have the ability to detach from society, from their jobs and family members by doing good deeds. You can learn how to detach from everything and everybody by staying and doing good deeds as much as you can in a meditation center.
I used Thabarwa center with this understanding. I have to deal with many people in society who have similar problems but the answer is the same because of attachment. If they can detach, this problem will be solved or even if this problem still remains, you can endure and accept it. No need to blame your husband or your job; just blame for your attachment. You cannot stop, detach and let go; so you have to suffer. There is a problem, so also there is a way, a solution. That’s why you just need to do it and you will find the solution. You need nothing to do just doing good deeds in the meditation center and also at home as a layperson or as a nun. Being in a meditation center by the life of a nun or meditator is not the end. Even if you can stay at a meditation center, you may have problems for sure. Even if you can ordain as a nun, you will have problems. The life of a nun or staying at a meditation center is not the solution; the solution is doing good deeds. You cannot do by yourself at home, at your job. Because of unable to know what is right you have to experience and suffer like this. There are problems in your life and in your mind. You should try to do like this and you will find the answer. Now you are just working only for yourself and your family. You don’t work much for others and for the Truth, Buddha – Dhamma – Sangha. That’s why you have problems with the others and in your mind.